On Being an Older Brother of a Pro-Life Sister

***Guest post by Brian Stoyell-Mulholland***

I thought I was pro-life, because I voted for pro-life politicians.  I thought I was pro-life because I agreed with their views on life.  I thought I was pro-life.  My little sister made me realize how little I was doing.  She is an advocate for women and the pro-life movement, and I could not be more proud of her.  She was interning in high school for a pro-life center in Philly, she has interned at a crisis pregnancy center in Florida, she is a voice for the unborn and women on her college campus, and recently was in Texas supporting the bill that was recently passed.  I wonder to myself, "what am I doing?  How can I actually be pro-life?"

I reflect on my sister’s time in Texas.  While the bill was being passed in Texas, my sister and other pro-life young adults were taken to a safe room, because those who are pro-abortion were rioting and threatening.  My sister told me stories about people demeaning her and screaming vulgarities at her.  As an older brother, this frightened me.  As a citizen, I was angry with how little the media reported this.  If pro-lifers were being so violent, the media would have been all over it.  My sister texted my family when she was taken to the safe room.  Many thoughts were going through my head.  How dare someone put my sister in such a dangerous situation?  If my sister had gotten hurt, I do not know how I would have reacted.  This is my sister, we are talking about.  My little sister; she has been with me her entire life.  I protect her and defend her.  That is my calling as an older brother.  For those of you who are older brothers, I am sure you understand this feeling.  One of my best friends is being attacked and there is nothing I can do about it.  My sister may be in pain or in fear.  I must do something.

This experience firmly answered my question for how can I be pro-life.  I will never be my sister.  I will never be a leader in the pro-life movement like her.  What I can do and what all men can do is be a support for those who are in this fight.  I can be by my sister helping her with whatever she needs.  I can be someone to hug when others insult her.  I can be a physical barrier if others seek to harm her.  I can pray for her.  And this is not for just my sister, but all women in my life.  I recently read an article about being “Bro-Choice,” which, quick summary, was about men should be pro-choice so they can continue to objectify women and use them as sex objects.  I was horrified by the author’s view of a relationship.  We should be treating women with respect and dignity.  I know if any guy dates my sister and does not treat her as well as she deserves, then I am in pain.  My realization is that the pro-choice culture takes power away from women.  Pro-choice beliefs degrade women.  I do not want my sister living in a culture where a man thinks that her sole purpose is to please him.  A culture where he thinks he can heap deeply emotional and permanent decisions on her and then leave with her with no consequences for himself.  I can support women, by realizing my role in creating life.  If a woman does get pregnant, yes, it is her body, but the child is also your child.  Your child’s mother needs your support.  Creating life takes two people, but so does nurturing life.

As much as the pro-life movement is focused on women, I find men are intimately connected to the pro-life movement.  Above, I spoke about how being pro-choice is degrading to woman, but in the same capacity, being pro-choice is degrading to men.  Yes, men do not have to go through a pregnancy in the biological sense, but they do go through pregnancy in a spiritual and emotional way.  The “pro-choice” movement takes away my choice as a man to choose to have a child.  A man is necessary for a woman to carry a child.  Why do I not get a choice in the care of my child?  “Pro-choice” culture says to men you are here to supply the sperm and nothing else.  How degrading?  A dear friend of mine, his girlfriend had an abortion, and the girlfriend did not even tell him that she did this until post-abortion.   My friend still struggles with the fact that his child was killed.  He prays for his unborn child and carries the child in his heart to this day.  He knew his role in the creation of life and his role as a father was taken from him.  He did not have a choice.  A culture where men can casually dismiss an abortion is offensive to the dignity of fatherhood.  This is just another reason, men; you need to be adamantly pro-life.

My sister is pro-life and I am trying to be every day.  I will do the best I can to support her and the other women I can in my life.  I will uphold their dignity as well as my own.  Men, you have a call to action.  Be a support.  Be a father.  Don’t let society tell you that you are unimportant.  Do not let your sister, daughter, wife, or friend be in this fight alone.  Men have a responsibility to stand up.  As Edmund Burke said, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

5 (Pro-Life) Ways to Support Women Right Now

1. Research your school's student health plan and see what it covers (or doesn't cover).

Girls who become pregnant in college don't have a real choice to carry their pregnancies to term if their schools don't facilitate their needs during pregnancy. For example, Yale University's student health plan covers abortions, but their basic student health plan offers NO coverage for students who would like to parent or place their child for adoption. Contrastingly, Notre Dame ensures that women who become pregnant as students will receive the full support of the university community, including housing, tuition assistance, and more.

If your school does not provide adequate support for pregnant women, contact student services and advocate that a change be made. Preventing discrimination against pregnant students is an important way we can support and empower women. This is a main initiative of Feminists for Life. Students for Life of America also has a "Pregnant on Campus" Initiative.

2. Instead of buying a frappuccino, support a mom in need by buying baby wipes to donate to a pregnancy center.

Many women who choose life for their babies still need support in providing for them.  If you're willing to spend a few dollars on coffee, next time spend that $4 on something new moms really need. Diapers for newborns are always in high demand. You can locate your local pregnancy center and donate directly, or check your local parish and see if they have a donation bin at the church. Supplying resources is a significant and immediate way to support women.

 3. Learn about the symptoms  of post-abortion syndrome so you can be an ally for women around you that may be suffering.

As many as 1 in 3 women have had an abortion, so we all need to be prepared to support the women around us who may be suffering from that decision, no matter how long ago it was made.

Places to start:

Silent No More

Rachel's Vineyard

After Abortion - The Elliot Institute

Post Abortion Healing and Treatment [PATH]

Remember to always discuss the issues with compassion; you never know who may decide to approach you about their past experience. Also research post-abortive help in your community, so that you have referral information ready should a woman share her story with you. Many dioceses and Crisis Pregnancy Centers offer post-abortive counseling and retreats. Providing opportunities for healing is an essential way to support women in a culture of life.

4. Post contact information for your local Crisis Pregnancy Center on the "local businesses" billboard in a nearby coffee shop or grocery store.

You never know where someone may stumble across that information when they need it. Promoting the your local Pregnancy Center could also increase their volunteer base and donations. Consider contacting them directly and asking if they have pre-made fliers that you could post. Advertising the availability of assistance is crucial for supporting women in crisis pregnancies.

Find your local pregnancy center at www.optionline.org

5. Pray for women in situations and relationships that put them at risk for undesired pregnancy.

As many as 64% ofwomen get abortions because they feel pressured by others. Many have become pregnant by a man who will not support the child or does not want to child to be born.

Even if the woman may want to carry the child to term, she may be living an unhealthy lifestyle herself, and not want to bring a child into that situation. Women deserve better relationships and better lifestyles, for their children but also for themselves. Pray specifically for these women - that they will receive the support they need to pursue safe and healthy relationships and lifestyles. Women need our support not only financially and emotionally, but also through the power of prayer.

Pro-life is pro-woman. :)

Love Thy Enemy

 So this past week while in Texas in support of the pro-life bill, I interacted with and saw many pro-choicers. Their actions and behavior were unbelievable and mostly indescribable. I have never quite experienced the vitriol and hate that I saw this past week.

18 jars of feces and urine, a brick, and ‘glitter bomb’ tampons were all confiscated from prochoicers.

A prochoicer shoved a guy in our group, hard enough that the batteries came flying out of his camera and he fell back into someone else who fell into me.

Prochoicers chanted “Hail Satan” and “Pro-life, your name’s a lie, you don’t care if women die.”

A prochoice woman told me that obviously the only reason that I was pro-life was because a man had told me to be pro-life and that my entire life was controlled by men.

Prochoicers poured red paint on themselves and chained themselves to the Senate gallery.

A prochoicer had her young daughter hold up a sign that said “If I wanted the government in my uterus, I’d f*** a senator.”

I cannot even count the number of times that I was flipped off or had vulgarities screamed at me.

A prochoice man held up a sign that said “No rape babies” while the girl right next to him had a sign that said “Jesus isn’t a dick so keep him out of my vagina.”

The prochoicers called themselves “The Unruly Mob” and when even NARAL and Planned Parenthood told them to leave the Capitol, they chanted “hell no, we won’t go.”

Allegedly, a prochoicer was found outside the Capitol with a semi-automatic rifle.

You know what these people are working so hard for? The right to kill their child. They can veil their intentions by saying they want the right to women’s health care or the right to choose or they are fighting for women’s reproductive health. But ultimately, they are fighting for the right to end the lives of the most defenseless and vulnerable.

I feel bad for these people. I looked at them, and past the screaming and vulgarities, I saw women and men who were deeply hurting. The old woman screaming “bastards” to all the legislators. The young teenage girl who had tears rolling down her face. The man who angrily told me that I had no right to be here.

I did not and do not harbor any resentment or hatred towards these people. I made a point of smiling at each person in an orange shirt when they walked by. Because these people are not going to be persuaded by a set of logical arguments. They were not here for rational debate. The only way to reach these people is through their hearts. Because I could tell that they felt hopeless. They felt trapped. They were fighting so bitterly. 

These people need love. My heart ached to reach out to them. To be able to offer them the comfort and healing that they need. But I know that was not my role at that time. So I prayed. I prayed that God touch each and every one of their hearts that they might be converted. That they might be able to recognize the love and forgiveness of the Almighty.

What we as prolifers need to do is have faith. I may not have witnessed a conversion while I was at the Texas Capitol, but I believe that many of those orange shirts will one day turn blue. We need to be open and accepting to all people so that when people are converted, they are welcomed with open arms. Because they will need love, not condemnation. Imagine realizing that for 5, 10, or even 50 years, you advocated for the deaths of millions. The guilt could be enough to destroy anyone, so we need to be there, waiting, with a loving embrace. Think of the amazing conversion story of Abby Johnson. What if the Coalition for Life had not been welcoming and loving? We need to follow the example set before us and love all, but especially love our enemies, even when it seems hardest. 

Talk the Talk and Walk the Walk

So this past week, I was down at the Texas Capitol, there with Students for Life of America. We were there in support of the Texas bill that protects women’s health by requiring that abortion clinics adhere to ambulatory surgical center regulations, that the abortionist have hospital admitting privileges within 30 miles, and that all medical abortions adhere to FDA regulations. It also bans abortions past 20 weeks, the point at which science says that the fetus can feel pain.  The bill thankfully passed on Friday, and Gov Perry is going to sign it into law. You can read a good summary of it here.

One of the things that has really impressed me this trip is the number of pro-lifers here in Texas who not only talk the talk, but walk the walk. People who understand what it means to be truly pro-life. This people recognize that it is not just about being a political activist, or the way you vote. These people are helping to build a culture of life that will ultimately lead to victory.

I just wanted to give  a couple shout-outs to some examples of the people that I am talking about:

Thanks to the Austin Baptist Association and Hope Chapel for opening their churches to us and providing us a place to sleep as well as all the other host families who opened their homes to students.

Thank you to the Knights of Columbus for gathering air mattresses for us to sleep on as well as cooking and providing lunch for us on Friday. Standing behind a grill in 100 degree weather is an impressive feat, and we are truly grateful.

Big thanks to Representative Hughes, Representative Toth, along with many other of the Texas House representatives. When the YMCA kicked us out (here), Rep Hughes and Rep Toth took up a collection to pay for hotel rooms so that we could shower. They had also offered their own personal hotel rooms for showers. Rep Hughes and Rep Toth also took time out of their day to speak to us young people and pray over the SFLA staff. They truly are men of God. Rep Hughes also offered us protection during the riots at the Capitol by housing all of us, over 50 people, in his locked office.

Thanks to the Students for Life leaders who did so much to organize this trip and keep all of us safe during the journey. I am sure it was not easy, but the staff remained flexible, with cheerful attitudes, despite the difficult circumstances. Thanks to Brendan O’Morchoe, who even if he could not figure out his way inside the Capitol, lead our group with a certainty and confidence that put many people’s fears at ease. Thank you to Beth O’Malley, for writing everything down in her notebook, keeping track of million logistics at once, and remaining sane, with a smile on her face, even when the plan changed for the third time in ten minutes. Thanks to Missy Martinez, for being the voice for our group, both in media interviews and on stage at the pro-life rally, and representing our group with conviction and dignity. Thank you to Alexa Coombs for reminding us of the importance of social media, making sure that we were always in contact with the rest of the world and utilizing social media to promote our group’s activities. I am sure there are many other people behind the scenes at SFLA, including Kristan Hawkins, the president of SFLA, who made this trip a possibility and for that I am very grateful.

Thank you to all the donors who made this trip possible for over 50 college students. These donors helped give us the opportunity of a lifetime and made it possible for us to be a part of history being made.

Thanks to Brendan the bus driver, as well as all the other bus drivers, for being patient with us and getting us to and from where we needed to be safely.

Thank you to the people of Texas, in particular, Jason, Paul, and Thomas, for inviting us to join this fight for life with them, and for all the tireless work that they do in Texas. This was a huge victory for Texas and thank you for letting us be a part of it.

Last, but definitely not least, thank you to my fellow students who took a week out of their summer to come and fight for life in Texas. You provided an incredible, peaceful witness for life at the Texas Capitol. Your dedication and perseverance is truly inspiring and it is seeing my fellow students stand for life that gives me hope. We are the pro-life generation and I believe that we will abolish abortion in our lifetime.

These people, along with many many more, all provided a witness of life through not only their words, but their actions. Standing for life is much more than just saying that you are pro-life. Words are not enough. We must demonstrate this culture of life through how we act, and the way we treat others. Consistently treating others with the respect and dignity that all people deserve helps our cause just as much as taking a trip down to Texas to support a pro-life bill. Thank you to everyone who remembers that, and pushes me to hold myself to that standard. Now go out and remember if you talk the talk, you must walk the walk.

Event Idea: "I'm Prolife Because..." Cookout

"Why are you, prolife?"

Sometimes one of the hardest events to do is a social event that still has an aspect of promoting the pro-life mission. These events, if done successful, can be some of the most effective at teaching people about what it means to be pro-life. This event idea stemmed from our original LifeFest event (here) , but we wanted to have an even stronger push to get people to think about what it truly means to be pro-life. 

So what we decided to do was have a huge cookout on the quad. The idea was to draw as many people in who were just walking by. We offered free burgers and soon, a huge line had lined up to get a burger. While people were in line, we handed them a white board that said “I’m Prolife Because…” and that asked them if they would be willing to fill in the blank. Most people did and it got them to stop and actually think about why they are prolife while having a great time celebrating life. 

So how do you do this?

Activities

Free burgers and food- Nothing gets people to stop by an event like free food. Especially when you are out on the quad on a sunny day. We had cupcakes that people could decorate as well. 

Inflatables/other fun visible activities- You want something big that signifies FUN! When people see a bounce house, or an inflatable obstacle course, they want to stop and see what is going on. This will also draw parents to bring their children. You can also publicize this for professors and their children to come to. We also hired a balloon animal artist to come and make balloon animals which were a huge hit. 

Free tshirts- One of the things we did was give away free club tshirts. This is obviously a major expense, but it was worth it to see the number of red club tshirts that were worn in the upcoming school days. Make sure the shirts are obviously pro-life and send the message that your club wants to send. Encourage your club members to wear these shirts the day of the festival so a unified group can be seen. Giving out these tshirts also gives participants something tangible to take with them. We also gave out pro-life buttons. 

Event Idea: Girl Talk

Communication is a two-way street: one part speaking, one part listening. Without the second part - listening - communication  breaks down.

This past election season, politicians, news reporters, and other "authorities" spoke loudly and frequently about "women's issues," including abortion and contraception. But were they listening? Were they hearing what women were actually saying? Do we hear what the women around us are actually saying, on all sides of these issues?

The Pro-life movement proclaims the values of individual dignity, life, and family, but these ideologies have practical and very real, day to day ramifications for all people, and in a particular way, for women. Too often, people on both sides of these issues think they know what others think, and why. But do they?  Pro-lifers have a responsibility not only to act and speak on behalf of life, but to listen. Through listening, we affirm the dignity of others. Helen Alvare has challenged the Federal Government to do just that with her campaign Women Speak for Themselves. We can do the same in our own communities.

The Event

Pro-lifers have a duty to listen to the very real, very personal concerns and experiences of women in their communities. An open discussion series like Girl Talk can help get real conversation going on "women's issues," promote respect for women's individual feelings, thought and experiences, and provide a foundation for real progress to be made.

Pre-planning

Time: An hour is usually a good amount of time for this series. Choose a time and decide how frequently your series will run (weekly, bi-weekly, etc).  Also decide how many sessions you will have.

Location: Choose a cozy location that is inviting and easy to find, but private enough for participants to speak openly. Set up tables and chairs in small groups of about 5 or 6. Hold the series in the same location each time to build familiarity and comfort.

Topics: Choose which topics you will discuss each meeting, and find a video, article, or other prompt for discussion. Make sure to find prompts from a variety of perspectives; sometimes the best discussions spring from those disagreeing with or challenging a prompt.

Food and Drink: Sharing a meal or light snack will help create a more comfortable atmosphere for participants. Afternoon coffee and fruit, or evening dessert may work well.

Advertising: Spread the word through both personal invitations and mass marketing like posters. Convey the tone of an open discussion by emphasizing that in your advertising, such as by putting different phrases on a poster [example above].

Outline of the Event

10 min: Welcome guests as they arrive and introduce yourself. Direct them to take refreshments, take a seat, and begin reading the discussion article or talking to others at their table.

5 min: Speak to the group as a whole, introduce yourself again, and explain the goal of the event. Emphasize that each person has individual feelings, thoughts, and experiences that shape her views on issues, and encourage participants to explore and share those underlying reasons for their opinions. Ask that each table do introductions, and read and discuss the prompt at their tables.

20 min: Discussions at tables.

20 min: Have each table share ideas from their discussions with the whole group, and discuss as a group if relevant.

5 min: Have each participant share an insight or thought with the large group. Thank everyone for coming, and invite them to attend the next session.

Other Recommendations

• Have signs directing participants to the event
• Assign "table captains" to each table to help facilitate discussion and make all feel welcome
• Have cards or table tents at each table with values for the discussion such as the Virtues of Discourse.
• Have name tags
• Encourage participants to bring other friends in the future

Discussion Topic Ideas

• Views of feminism
• Relationships between men and women
• What women really want
• Beauty, attraction, and what it means to be sexy
• Contraception and other fertility technology like NaPro
• Abortion: how it affects women and what it offers women
• Women in the workplace
• Women and higher education
• The role of faith in women's lives

From Our Experience:
We had a 3-part series with the topics of feminism, birth control, and beauty/self-image. For our second session, we invited local NaPro Fertility Care Practitioner Suzy Younger to attend and answer questions about female fertility at the end of the discussion. Her attendance was the highlight of that session!

Girl Talk has been featured in:

University of Notre Dame Observer "Girl Talk Creates Conversation"

University of Notre Dame Rover "Girl Talk: Catholicism, contraception, and beauty"

HerCampus.com Notre Dame Chapter "'Girl Talk' Discussion Series Reaches out to Women at ND"

MY body, MY choice.

MY body, MY choice.

Recently, a video has been circulating the Internet of a group of feminists proclaiming “MY body, MY choice.” When a friend of mine posted this to her Facebook, I clicked to listen to the entirety of it and came away feeling sad and dejected. The idea had so much potential, but the direction they took it in, just undermined the entire idea of the project. I could see glimmers of what they truly yearned for in the video, but they instead turned to what society told them it meant to be women as opposed to standing for what it means to truly be a woman.

I have pulled some quotes of what they say throughout this short video to highlight my points.

“I decide when and how I become a mother.”

Absolutely, women can decide when and how they become mothers. But this becomes a possibility every time a woman decides to have sex. By making this decision, a woman could become a mother. Women control when they have sex therefore they can control when they become mothers.

“These decisions have nothing to do with you.”

This statement is just blatantly wrong. All of our actions affect other people, whether we realize it or not. In the case of abortion, that decision can deeply affect the father of the child, the grandparents, the other future children, and most importantly the woman involved. This decision affects your neighbors, your classmates, your doctors. Society, as a whole, is deeply affected by the tragedy of abortion. Every single life is valuable and adds something to society. So every single abortion has affected the outcome of society. Who knows what those children who were aborted might have offered to society?

“I have the right to be screened for this killer of women./ Whether I go to my doctor or I rely on the services of clinics like those run by Planned Parenthood. And your desire to stop the fundings of abortions has nothing to do with my right to defend myself against cancer.”

Breast cancer screenings are very important and it is important to get mammograms. However, Planned Parenthood does not provide mammograms. All they can do to screen you for breast cancer is a breast exam, the same that you could and should be doing in your own home. Also Planned Parenthood’s main client base is young adults and it is not necessary to start getting mammograms until the age of 40. 

(http://www.thenewamerican.com/usnews/politics/item/13271-fda-contradicts-obama-planned-parenthood-not-licensed-to-do-mammograms)

“If I choose to have sex, I have the right to birth control.”

Birth control has never been a right. It’s not in the Constitution; it’s not a part of natural law. So where does this ‘right’ stem from? This notion has developed that people are entitled to the right to have sex without any consequences. Sex has been separated from its procreative purpose. If you choose to have sex, you choose to put yourself in the situation where you can get preganant, whether or not you are on birth control.

“I have the right to an abortion without facing intimidation, harassment, burdensome parental consent laws, or prejudicial taxes. If I decide to have an abortion, I will not undergo unnecessary invasive medical procedures for the purposes of your moralizing and personal edification.”

This statement is just ironic because many women who have abortions do it because of intimidation and harassment. The number of coerced abortions in this country is unbelievably high. Women’s boyfriends or husbands are threatening to leave them if they do not get an abortion. Some are physically abused into getting an abortion, some are emotionally abused. Calling parental consent laws ‘burdensome’ is ridiculous. Young women under the age of 18 years old are not allowed to pierce their ears without getting consent from their parents. If young women are not even able to legally make the decision to pierce their ears, a decision that can easily be reversed, why should they be able to undergo an invasive medical procedure that can have both medical and emotional side effects without the consent of their parents?  

“I am entitled to all health information from my doctor. And allowing myself to be penetrated once does not assume your right to do it again for your own purposes and your own reasons.”

Women are entitled to all health information from their doctor. Unfortunately abortion clinics are not providing all of this information. They gloss over the side effects of abortions, saying that they merely are required to provide this information by law. The emotional side effects that many women experience are never spoken of. The ultrasound bills that this woman is objecting to are an effort to provide women with all of the information necessary to make such a medical decision.

Then the women in this video went on to make some absolutely correct statements. These women know that they deserve to be respected, valued, and honored. They yearn for this. It is completely evident throughout this video. 

“I am not defined by my need of a man or a partner. Though I have the right to be made happy by one in a safe and supportive relationship”

“I am not here to be your sexual toy.”

 “I’m not defined by my hair, my weight, my eye color, my makeup, my bra size, my skin color.”

“I’m beautiful despite what you think. With or without your approval.”

“I have the right…to equal pay; to health care; to education; to divorce; to safety; to protection under the law; to respect and dignity; to complete equality.”

“Do not be afraid of a world in which women know themselves, their voice, and their power. That world has arrived.”

Unfortunately this world has not arrived. Women, such as the women in this video, have been duped by the world and society. They have become convinced that equality is the same as complete sexual freedom. This is because of the double standard that is so present in our society. They define being a woman as having access to birth control and abortion. When did the definition of a woman become so tied up in her sexuality? Women are so much more than their sexual desires. This is, and always will, a crucial part of what it means to be a woman. But it is not the whole picture.

So what does it mean when these women say “MY body. MY choice.”?

Men agree. They say. Your body. Your choice. Your problem.

When men are not supportive of women when they get pregnant, this is because of this mentality that has developed. They have been consistently told that it’s the woman’s body, therefore it’s the woman’s choice. This means that it must her problem. He is not allowed to have any input, so why are we surprised when so many men abandon their children?

 (As a side note, this video was co-created by a man. Interesting.)